Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

smh

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized