Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
definitely did not do anything wrong
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”