most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”