most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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This was a bad idea all around
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.