most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
According to math, I’m broke
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
