Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
You can’t rush stupid.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*