Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
she has a point
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns