Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
“Wait, let me explain..”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.