Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Discuss
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies