Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.