Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
ACED my prostate exam!
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.