Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.