Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”