Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*