Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Yup.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you