Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.