most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
🤝
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Its true…
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
