Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.