Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Brother?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
you’re so productive for your wage
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”