Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.