“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I’m calling the cops.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru