Most fashion shows these days…
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
buys donuts instead
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Suuuuure
