Most fashion shows these days…
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]