Most fashion shows these days…
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When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
