Most fashion shows these days…
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
are they though??
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing