Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.