Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”