Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
im gay on my mothers side
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”