Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.