Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.