Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

me when i smell free food in the break room

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.