Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.