most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I have no passwords left in me
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
awkward
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom