Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.