Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.