Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
termite twitter scares me
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together