Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
relationship goals
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.