The problem with speaking the truth is..
..you assume others do too
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?