Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
You Might Also Like
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
No, he would not have.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.