@carlyken

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

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@Monicake0128

The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too

@_Fariis

Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.

@jessokfine

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

@miss_foofoo

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

@UnFitz

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

@junejuly12

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?