Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

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The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too


Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.


Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?


I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.


When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?



*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*


Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?