Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.