Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear