Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants