Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

this isn’t threatening at all