Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Realize this:
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body