Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.