Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
early stone age tool
