Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.