Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
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My patience has stretch marks.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’