Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
They got a point!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.