most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
A woman drives into a bar.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Yes 😂
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.