most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
.. do you even science?
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?