most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
And that about sums it up.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
long lost
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.