Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

The First Farmer

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?