Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

emergency phone