most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.