Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.