Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
the official breakfast of 2021
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I feel seen
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
