Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Is this anything

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Jurassic park gets weird

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no