Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
So glad we cleared that up
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
☠️ ☠️
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts