Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”