Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect