Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?