Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

🐶😂

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.