Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I have never related to a cat more

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge