Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes