most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
very niche meme I made
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.