most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
ok like just. call me at this point
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[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye