Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
This is my cat’s medicine.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Harsh but fair
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.