Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective