Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

welp

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

this article brought to you by lions

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face