Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
they should invent a hydrating liquor
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’