Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
this has done me in for some reason
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.